The Lesser Definition Of Chaos
by DarkHorseBlueSky
Summary: When Percy and Annabeth escaped Nyx, the goddess decided to get revenge — on the crew of the Argo II. Hence ensuing the lesser definition of Chaos, in which Jason is a Russian Superman, Leo has language issues, Nico goes blind, Hazel is REALLY confused, Hedge wants to hit something, Frank gets nearly thrown across the ship, and Piper's ready to kill them all. (All dialogue oneshot)


******Hehe…yeah, I know…I have to work on anything **_**but **_**this… But hey, it was fun for the two hours it took to write it. And I really couldn't help myself.**

**Warning: All dialogue. If it's hard to follow, sorry. All you need to know is that the only people who speak are Leo, Nico, Piper, Hazel, Frank, Jason, and Coach Hedge; and in that order, too.**

**Oh, you also need to know that there's a bit of fourth-wall-smashing. And a lot of Google-translated foreign words and translations in the Author's Note at the bottom. And an Author's Note at the bottom that I'd advise you not to read until you're done reading everything else. Because really, whatever Nico and Leo say in Italian and Spanish doesn't really matter. And Chaos doesn't really appear at all. Except for the lesser definition of it.**

**Gah, just read the stupid fic already.**

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"NICO!"

"Yes, Leo?"

"Why the Hades did every bleeping light in the universe just go out? What did you do?"

"What? Nothing! Why're you blaming me?"

"Oh, I don't know! Maybe it's because you're the creepy son of Hades with shadow/darkness powers…who else would it be?"

"I dunno, maybe an angry goddess of night like the summary suggests — "

"Oh, SURE. _Gracias por la explicación, el Capitán Obvio."_

"I may be a homeless truant, but Spanish is close enough to Italian, mind you. _Io non sono stupido."_

_ "¿Y usted dice que como soy? ¿Qué te parece, di Angelo? ¿El cuidado de decir que a mi cara?_

_ "Capisco un po 'di spagnolo, non le tirate infuriati — "_

_ "¡Cállate! ¡Acaba de obtener de nuevo las luces y podemos estar recibiendo en la casa de tu padre ya estúpido!"_

_ "__Hai appena detto che mio padre è stupido?__ Non osano chiamare mio padre stupido! __Egli può saltare a pezzi con una sola parola!"_

"LEO! NICO! CUT IT OUT!"

_"Sí, Piper…"_

_ "Mi dispiace. Leo ha iniziato."_

"WOULD YOU TWO JUST SWITCH BACK TO ENGLISH ALREADY?!"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Yes, mother…"

"LEO!"

"Valdez, you really are stupid sometimes…"

"Nico! Don't call people stupid!"

"Hazel? I thought you and Frank were sleeping…oh, stop giggling, Valdez. I meant _separately."_

"Well, we _were…_and then we got interrupted by two screaming Europeans…"

"Zhang, you should know by now that I AM FREAKING MEXICAN!"

"Leo, stop yelling."

"Yes, Piper…"

"Wait a second. Hazel, Frank, how'd you guys even get up here? It's pitch dark."

"Well…hehe…to normal humans, yeah. Not me. Because I'm the Ghost King. The one, the only, the amazing, the invincible, the — "

"Oh gods, Nico, not this AGAIN!"

" — awesome, the handsome, the hero, the savior of the guy who might've saved Olympus through a series of unfortunate and completely coincidental events, the — "

"Oh dear."

" — Mythomagic champion of this milliennium and the next and the ones before and after that, the greatest son of Hades to ever walk this undeserving earth — "

"NICO, SHUT UP!"

"Yes, Piper…"

"Well, now that he's quiet…yeah, how _did _you guys get up here?"

"I followed Hazel."

"I led Frank. It's not totally pitch black. I can see, a little."

"Probably Dad's powers…"

"Yeah. Hey…Frank? Wait, where's Frank?"

"Frank! Say something!"

"Meow!"

"What the Hades — "

"Hazel, I found him. Look down."

"What?"

"Aww…Frank! You're so ADORABLE!"

"What? What's going on?"

"Apparently, Zhang turned himself into a cat."

"Mrowr!"

"Aww…Frank, you're so cute…I'm gonna love you and hug you and pet you and squeeze you and I shall call you George — agh! Ow! Cut it out!"

"Leo! Give me back Frank!"

"HE'S SCRATCHING MY EYES OUT!"

"He probably has a reason."

"Nico!"

"What? I can't help myself. Smart remarks flow like a fountain."

"Mrrrowwrrr!"

"AAAAGGGGHHH!"

"ZUPERMAN TO DEE RESCUE!"

"Jason?"

"I VIL SAVE YOO VROM DIS FURRY MENACE!"

"Uh, since when has Superman had a Russian accent?"

"SINCE DIS ONE! Owie…me just crashed into de wall…me body iz horting...but I EM ZUPERMAN!"

"Jason, you're a very strange person."

"DANK YOU!"

"Urgh…oh gods, that hurts…Zhang, you better pray that Ares gave you defense against angry fire users…"

"Leo! Don't you dare hurt my little Frankie-kins! He's mine and always will be!"

"Jason. Are you okay?"

"…Did I just call Zhang 'Frankie-kins'?"

"Yes, Jason, yes you did."

"And before that, did I just do a strange impersonation of a blonde Russian Superman?"

"Yes, Jason, yes you did."

"Then probably not. Where are you, Hazel? I'm about to throw a cat at you."

"I THINK NOT!"

"Whoa! Oh my gods, Frank, before you turn from a three-pound kitten to a three-hundred-pound demigod, give us a warning, jeez!"

"May I say two things? One — don't drop people on ship decks. It kind of does bad things to the tailbone. Two — HEY!"

"Yeah, Frank is NOT three hundred pounds. Trust me."

"Well, he's definitely coming close."

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Jason! Apologize!"

"I'm sorry, Piper."

"Not to me. To Frank."

"Sorry, Frank."

"HEY! WHAT'S WITH THIS SUDDEN LACK OF LIGHT?! WHO'S GONNA TASTE THE BAT TODAY?"

"I see Coach Hedge is awake."

"DI ANGELO! DID YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS?"

"Why does everyone blame _me?!"_

"…Oh. So it wasn't you? Well, chins up, cupcakes! Probably just Dirt Face messin' with us again — OH YEAH, I JUST WENT THERE! YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS?"

"A piece of what?"

"Apparently, that baseball bat that he appears to be swinging around."

"So Nico, are you the only one who can see?"

"No, I can, too. Just a little — it's like there's tiny candles burning where there's supposed to be light, but nothing very bright."

"Candles…wait a second. Hey, Valdez."

"Yeah?"

"By any chance did you think to use your magical flaming hands?"

"Actually, no! Thanks, Grace!"

"OH MY GODS!"

"Whoops! Sorry!"

"YOU IGNITED YOUR HAND TWO INCHES FROM MY FREAKING NOSE AND YOU THINK 'SORRY' WILL CUT IT?!"

"Nico! Calm down!"

"NO, PIPER! I AM NOT GOING TO CALM DOWN! HE SINGED MY HAIR AND NOW I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING! NOOOOO, I'M HELPLESS AND BLIND LIKE THE REST OF YOU PATHETIC MORTALS! VALDEZ, _É MEGLIO DORMIRE CON UN OCCHIO APERTO!"_

"Uh…Leo? I think you blinded him."

_"O dèi, io sono cieco, sono cieco, non riesco a vedere nulla...malediranno, Valdez! Giuro mutande di mio padre che io — "_

"NICO! CALM DOWN AND SWITCH BACK TO ENGLISH!"

"Yes, Piper…"

"That's much better. Now, if you all will stop freaking out and just stand still, we can do something about this. Obviously, using Pyro over here is a bit risky with so many disoriented people in one general vicinity, so he would be a last resort."

"I AM NOT JUST A LAST RESORT! I AM THE AMAZING LEO VALDEZ — "

"Piper, you're starting to sound like Annabeth — "

"Um, if you guys don't mind, I'm still VERY MUCH BLIND!"

"Can I hit something?"

"ROAR!"

"Frank! Please don't go into dragon mode _now!"_

"GAH! WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHADDUP?!"

"Yes, Piper…"

"Anyway. The egotist known as The Amazing Leo Valdez is a resort that just so happens to be after the first few hundred. Our equally egotistic darkness-seer Nico di Angelo is currently…incapacitated, so — "

"Thank you for caring. I feel your love."

"Stop interrupting! _Anyway_…we've got one more darkness-seer-person-whatever-you-call-you-guys. Hazel."

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but it seems like the darkness is fading a bit. I mean, to me it is. Like the candles are burning a little bit brighter."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Can't you see it?"

"Oh yeah, I can see it now!"

"Me too!"

"Light! Yes! I can see what I'm hitting now!"

"Hiss! _Non la luce!"_

"Oh, poor Nico. Let's get you somewhere dark. Maybe your eyes will heal then."

"Dark and quiet, if you please."

"Hehe, dark, yes…but quiet? Not on _this _boat. Not likely."

"Oh…I wish I was back in cabin 13…all by myself with my iPod and my comic books and my Mythomagic cards and my My Little Pony collection and — wait a second — did you guys hear…?"

"My Little Pony collection? Di Angelo…you — "

"I WOULD GIVE YOU THE MOTHER OF ALL DEATH GLARES IF I KNEW JUST WHERE YOU WERE, VALDEZ! Wait…where are you guys? Agh! Stairs!"

"Nico, we're going down to the cabins now. I think you need a nap."

"I DO NOT TAKE NAPS, HAZEL LEVESQUE! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL GHOST KING!"

"You're a four-year-old in the body of a fourteen-year-old. You _do _need a nap."

"HAZEL YOU WILL RELEASE ME NOW…I demand that you…mmm…I'm tired now."

"Yes, Nico, I can guess that you are."

* * *

**Hmm…sometimes I wonder if the way I portray canon characters is slightly different from the books…**

* * *

**Translations:**

"_**Thanks for that explanation, Captain Obvious."**_

**"I may be a homeless truant, but Spanish is close enough to Italian, mind you. _I'm not stupid."_**

"_**And you say that like I am? How about it, di Angelo? Care to say it to my face?"**_

"_**I understand a little bit of Spanish, not your infuriated tirades — "**_

"_**Shut up! Just get the lights back on and we can be getting on to your stupid father's house already!"**_

"_**Did you just say my father is stupid? Do not dare call my father stupid! He can blast you to bits with a single word!"**_

***after Piper's interruption***

"_**Yes, Piper…"**_

"_**I'm sorry. Leo started it."**_

***after Leo nearly burned off Nico's face***

"_**VALDEZ, YOU HAD BETTER SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN!"**_

***after Hazel suggested that Leo blinded poor Nico***

"_**Oh gods, I'm blind, I'm blind, I can't see anything…curse you, Valdez! I swear by Father's underpants that I will — "**_

**Hehe…I love Google Translate.**

**I wonder how many times in just this one stretch of dialogue Piper had to tell someone to shut up.**

**I think this is awesome. Tell me if it's awesome. Especially if you don't think it's awesome. Because I can't be awesome as I think I am if I'm really not and nobody's telling me, because once you tell me that I'm not then I can know that I can try to be more.**

**If you followed that, ten points. If you review, ninety points. Bringing you to a total of 100 points. **


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